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Stressed about 1, 2, 3, 4 things.

Blah. Just talked to my mom on the phone. She's really worrying me. Everyone is so drained and flustered, even I am a bit.

I feel honestly ..bad that you can't understand. I don't feel bad at the same time because understanding things like this is a part of life you maybe just haven't experienced yet. And I will admit, I know I've experienced these things a lot earlier than most of the kids I know my age. And I don't look down upon them for not having gone through it, I just find it hard to connect with them because they don't get it yet. It truly makes having friends kindof difficult. My dad tells me it's my own fault, but you know what, people going behind my back and betraying me isn't. I just so happened to have those type of friendships the past five years. And looking back I don't regret becomming friends with those people, it's just shitty it turns out the way it does. I'm over it, moved on.
I always tell guys who want to date me, "My life is fucked up." "There's a lot of shit that isn't right." And they usually push anyways, cause they have no idea. And a year and a half later they're getting overwhelmed, and can't handle it. I usually expect this to happen, but I just hope they stick it out for me, and they usually don't. Like most people in my life..
I guess that's just the type of people I look for in life. Troopers. The ones who can stick it out and still come out with hope. Tonight, Janet came over and talked to me about the whole situation. Everyone at work has asked me at least 4 times how everything is going, but Janet talks to me more privately sometimes. I always liked her, and never knew exactly why, but tonight showed me. I'm so glad someone there sees everyone else there the way I do. "Some of these people in here.. complain about their mothers like they're horrible. And they have the best relationships. How would they like to have to go to the bar just to ask their mother about coming to thanksgiving dinner, and see their mothers bar stool, the one that she falls off of every night, and barely get an answer out of her." It reminded me of all the times I got mad at my friends for getting in fights with their parents about having a curfew, and complaining as if it was the worst fight in the world. And I'd be thinking.. shit, if you only knew how much worse that could be. You'd keep your mouth shut and never complain about having to come in early again. People like Janet, you can just tell. Before those conversations even happen.

And of course, tonight I overheard Katrina talking to Cassie, and I said "AW no, you too!?" Of course.. Cassie is also in a sorority. They were like "you should join one!" Haha.. thanks but no thanks. That really surprised me, she just doesn't look like the type of girl to be in one. She likes girly things, but does not look girly at all. Yes I'm stereotyping, sororities are girly. I'm still trying to get over the burn my eyes feel every time I go into the Vera Bradley section. I just can't do the patterns, and the purses that look like blankets. But I guess I don't hate it as much as I used to. I might buy one of the long keychains, just cause I need one and never go shopping and there's a bunch staring at me at work. But the patterns.. I just can't do it.

Today I learned how my grandparents met. To cut to the part I like most, my papa started dancing since he was pretty good I hear, and says "This is how they do it in Boston." And my grandma said "Well why don't you go back to Boston and do it there then!" Then he'd drive by her while she was at the bus stop and he was working on trucks and sing to her. She eventually gave in. Their 56th anniversay was two weeks ago. I love them.



Oh. And I'm already sick of Christmas music. Thanks J.

Starving. Deleted another site. This is it now. Only reason I made another was so I could be alone on it, but I figure no one reads this so oh well.

I have a good idea for a christmas present to my parents from the 3 of us, I'm sure they'll do it. I think it'll be funny.

Brandon got me such nice stuff from the Czech Republic.

Just when you think you have not 1 friend you can trust and you feel betrayed by everyone except your family, your family betrays you and does the exact same thing. Everyone is a fucking peice of shit. I'm so done even peering into everyone's cliche fucking blind lives. I'm done caring, or thinking about old friends and wondering why they never gave a shit and why I did. So what if I've got my dad, at least he's fucking honest and says what he fucking truly feels to my face, unlike every other single person I've ever met in my entire life. Fuck you, fuck everyone. Deep down inside this is the shit I always felt, and I've been so caught up in bullshit that I started to forget who I was, feeling like I should be like other people and not freak out at everything. Well that's me, and this is my life, I'm like this for a reason and all of those people aren't. I can't change the past, and I can't change everything that it's made me believe in. All I can do is keep being myself and try not to care and get through being lonely and misunderstood because no one fucking understands. Not around here.


Glassjaw was fucking great, I'm so glad I finally saw them. The crowd was annoying though, Glassjaw didn't give a fuck. They called everyone out and everyone just stood there like fucking sheep. Everyone got mad at my brother claire and I, for what, enjoying a concert? Get the fuck out of the way if you don't want to be here, I'm sorry your precious spot reserved for Brand New got moved two inches back. Brand new has been touring the past 8 years, Glassjaw hasn't. Really.. it was great though. I love how much they didn't let that affect their music, it was just as great as I thought It'd be. I almost cried twice, there was a lot of stuff I didn't even want to hear but I loved it all the same. My neck hurts so bad from it. My sides hurt too from some bitch who kept elbowing me, I wasn't trying to slam dance! I was trying to enjoy myself.

I woke up with the feeling of being hungover, when we got home we talked and cried and minutes after we decided to go to bed my mom called hysterical because my grandpa died. So we got back up and drove to the hospital, it was such a mess. I've been so blah since last night, when I got home I couldn't even fall asleep but I was so exauhsted.

I'm going to slump around wash myself and go to work.




The dates, they change
with each new phase
I'm anxious bouts of nervous

What am I without the bruises
this switch, it won't come on
what do I do to lose it
beneath this distress call

Let the wheels burn, let the wheels burn
stack the tires to the neck with a body inside

I can't keep feeling like this. It has to stop.

I need that moment where you realize the person you just met is someone you could really enjoy being around, and not just for a breif period of time.

scumbag blues

Fuck you both.

the words keep blinking



STOP BLINKING

I'll make this shorter...


It's good to talk to Krista. Especially after we've both been miserable for weeks. And I agree with her, I can't see my future without music.
Talking to you puts me in a good mood even while I'm in a bad mood. I think I definetly needed that.

I'm not going to a school in Buffalo next september.

All I love is my parents, my brothers, my best friend, and my boyfriend.


I love you so much, and relationships are hard. I'm trying to take in all the good moments respectfully and cherish having you around. I'm trying not to think so much about the future and how much I absolutely hate breaking up and heartache. I'm trying to get used to actually being in a serious relationship, and how it's changed my personality as a girlfriend a lot. I'm going through my first stable, not in-denial, over a year long, steady, real relationship. It's hard. And I feel like such a schmuck for crying often. The whole relationship is a reminder to me that I'm living, that I'm not holding back sharing my life with another person just because it's so messed up and frustrating, like I used to, like I always did.

Everyone likes telling me to eat.

Somehow I lost 10 pounds. I wasn't trying and I was really stressed out and it just kind of happened.


well who do you think you're foolin'
you say you're having fun
but you're busy going nowhere
just lying in the sun
you tried to be a hero
commit the perfect crime
but the dollar got you dancing
and you're running out of time

I don't know what to do about this sitation. It could go so many different ways, and I don't want to choose one path and from that block myself out from all others. I also don't want to go one way and end up exploding, or feeling like I have to say that I'm nineteen and you're more immature than I am. It's just stupid.

"You've gotta stop hating everyone."
"Everyone's gotta stop sucking so much."


I'm so tired. This week was probably the worst week out of all the months since I was 14. Monday night I even drank a little, after having the worst cramps I've ever had. It seems neverending!! Guh. I've eaten somewhat bad all week too. For the most part this past year I've eaten really well.. I haven't excercised consistently but I've kept myself in check.

The best, when Pat stuck a ciggarette to my arm and waited for about a minute for me to ask what he was doing, and replied, "Oh.. I thought you were hot enough to light off of."
And the worst was some fat drunk guy coming up to me seven times throughout one night and saying repeatedly, "I think you're really cute." Seven. Times.
I don't take pick-up lines seriously, I don't know if anyone should..

Joan is the best : )


People don't really like aggressive people that much. It's funny. I have to study the rest of tonight, as late as I can, and most of tomorrow maybe even while I work if it's dead. I'm trying to delete my myspace but it's just not working.. once it does I'll be free of all ridiculous social networks.

Augh gosh, I heard a Metallica song I think I actually like. I don't know how to feel about that.


I love you.

I'm not going to get into the show but I'll say that if the crowd doesn't care it definetly shows in the music and people. I'm really excited for Glassjaw.

I don't believe in any of you anymore.

I know I say this all the time- but it happens all the time. No one stands by any of the words they say, everyone stands up for the people they say they can't stand, and no one stands up for themselves. I'm just so sick of seeing it everywhere I go.


I have no problem admitting the things that I did in highschool. I got taken advantage of one too many times while being drunk or on drugs. Boys who told the whole school that I did things that I didn't. Boys who I could've told my own father about and taken to court. But I didn't, I took that shit reputation and I had to not care. But to still bring those things up today is just so unbelievable. I never slept with anyone in highschool. There are two guys that I hooked up with and both FORCED me to do shit to them. If I had stayed sober throughout highschool I would be the biggest prude. Shannon and Craig, you can both go fuck yourselves. Shannon for trying to have sex with me, pushing an entire dresser in front of a door, while Rich tried to bust it down, pinning me down and making me touch you for ONE SECOND, going out of the room, high-fiving your stupid friends, and chugging more alcohol. Craig for promising Rich not to let anything bad happen to me, and having his douchebag faggot friends give me drinks that I didn't know what was in them, and again, doing the exact same thing. And then what, bragging to the entire football team, or telling everyone in school. Like that was the only hook up they've ever had, the kind where they have to get a girl so fucked up she can't even speak, and brag about it?
and 4 years later that's all you've got to make yourself feel better Mitch. To team up with those people and call me a slut. That's all you've fucking got? Just don't forget, your life is shit, your family is shit, and you're shit. You'll never own up or amount to anything, and I may have to live with hooking up with two scumbags, but at least I don't have to live with that.